"Lately, I’ve found myself touching Dad a lot." It's a shame that it's only later in life that men become more comfortable showing physical affection. Lately I've been telling my close male friends that I love them and gave them hugs, and in an unexpected way it's like they relax as if they wanted to say it too but needed someone to say it first.
Glad you had a nice relaxing one. I did, too. Finally got around to reading some Muriel Spark...
The great shock of my Gen X life is that almost all men will take the chance to be affectionate when they are absolutely sure they will not be shamed for it. Past shames are long-lasting poison. But I think men can really be the cure for other men. I also think it took a long time for me and many men my age to figure that out. But being open and intimate with my guy friends has been psychological oxygen, for sure. Same with my dad here in Beaufort. And my brother too. Micah and I have weekly hour-long conversations that usually end with an I love you. That would have seemed impossible back in the 80s and 90s.
Hi Matthew! Your writing gave me several remembrances. The first is how my non-affectionate and cold mother softened in her latter days, even apologizing-- several weeks before her death--for some severe wrongs that occurred in my childhood. Secondly, thoughts of the Sankofa symbol (Ghana) came to me...turning back while looking forward--moving forward with love. You are doing that so beautifully.
Thanks, Dixie! So glad you had that important moment with your mother before she passed. Had to look up the Sankofa symbol. "Go back and get it." Turn back and eat the precious egg. Exactly. Thanks for sharing that. Powerful universal message.
Thank you M and A. Spent the last two weeks ushering my son's dear friend into the nourishing rooms here in our town, and i'm happy to report he's got 14 days. Whatever his arc shall be, the love and care I've experienced sharing my own sobriety have filled me up over the holidays... I so appreciate the play-by-play of your piece here. Hilarious, tragic, deeply healing. And your Dad.
14 days is beautiful. Sharing our stories is the gift that helps both the giver and the receiver. Thanks for sharing yours with us, Elena. Sometimes when I get shy about sharing my alcohol stories, I think back on how secretly appreciative I was when anyone shared their story. Maybe a year before I got sober, my father sent me a newspaper piece written by a relatively unknown comedian who gave up alcohol for a year. The message was simply that his life had improved in so many ways, but he had lost a lot of his social life. And yet it had been worth it because he was feeling healthy for the first time in years. That hopeful seed grew inside of me and here we are. Glad to be here with you.
Such a gift from your Dad those many years ago. The shared stories are everything, I can feel our friend listening in the rooms and soaking in the parts he can recognize in himself. Thank you for your wonderful writing.
I loved reading your New Years Eve spent w your mom and dad. I went to Colls HS and MYF w Mike. You inherited his gift of how to present something uncannily like no one else. Even if the topic was mundane there was always a different take on the topic by Mike Quick. He was cute, loved his dimpled smile. No I never dated your date, his intellect was above my brain grade. My dad passed from dementia at 91, and he wasn’t huggy/kissy either. He did appreciated my foot massages and told me the last time I saw him that he would miss me. Surprised I asked him why and he said well my feet love to be massaged. Keep up the touchy feely thing as even when he doesn’t remember your face, he will remember your touch. Ok one last thing. Ask him if he remembers the Lacy twins from high school. If it puts a smile on his face my comments are worth it. Hugs and may you keep on writing your thoughtful words. Karen Lacy Mascitelli
Go Panthers! I was Colls HS class of 1992. Thanks for the kind words here, Karen Lacy Mascitelli. I've learned that everyone has a different love language. So express love through words, some through gifts, some through touch, and some through other means. As a words person, it has sometimes been hard for me to see and accept and participate in other expressions of love. I'm working on that. Glad you got in those foot massages with your dad.
I get so excited when the email arrives that there is a new post. The recent posts about dementia connect even more as we are working through all of this with Amy's grandmother. I hope you find comfort in these intimate moments with your father. We have had many discussions over the years about our fathers. I admire your courage to share these stories with us. Give Alicia our best and thank you for the positive energy and love that you both continue to spread. Happy New Year!
So glad you are enjoying these, Mark. Great to have you with us. So sorry to hear about Amy's grandmother. My best to all of you. Father's are tricky keys, but what's on the other side of those doors is essential. Happy New Year to you and yours!
Thank you for your writing. We're ankle deep in the New Year, and your post is deeply appreciated. I'm grateful you stayed up to work on it. It really made my day, and already this year is looking brighter. Your words are staying with me, the way dust surrounds the way Charles Shultz drew Pigpen.
So glad you got something good from these words, duff. Love that the year is looking bright for you. I always liked Pigpen. Just looked this up: "Pigpen considers it a point of pride that he is cloaked in the ‘dust of countless ages.'" https://www.peanuts.com/about/pigpen
This was a beautiful post, Matthew. Funny, I have seen that Janus logo come up hundreds of times while watching foreign films and never really thought too deeply about it. Thanks for making me stop and chew on this world a bit more than I would without these posts. And Happy New Year!
It's amazing how much knowledge is out there hidden in plain sight. Maybe we bring unconscious to consciousness only when we are ready for the insights. Happy New Year! And looking forward to many more discussions, Kent!
As always, I feel so touched by your words, Matthew.
I’ve been visiting my 99 year old father and his dying 95 year old wife. I’ve deeply resented this cruel woman for so many years, but as I kissed her good night I felt such love that I kissed her several times. Later, when my father uncharacteristically reached for my hand, I held his. Both events were utterly shocking, but enormous gifts.
Thanks, Roxanne, for your beautiful words here. My Jungian work teaches that whatever we consciously own has a hidden unconscious shadow somewhere within us. The shadow of resentment is love, of course. And the bigger the conscious resentment gets, the larger the shadow of unowned potential love becomes. Gold in the shadow. Scrooge on Christmas morning. What a relief! So glad you had that wonderful experience with your father and his wife. Sounds like it was deeply healing.
Once again, your words ring so true. My mother is in the hospital right now recovering from a second stroke in less than a year. More and more, in addition to her daughter, I've become her advocate, her caregiver and sometimes her voice. I try not to get overwhelmed with tomorrow's worries and focus on the day, and the gift of her presence, the ability to look her in the eyes and tell her I love her.
So sorry to hear about your mom, Heidi. The gift of presence can be overwhelmingly beautiful. Sounds like she's lucky to have you. Thanks for being with us here today!
Happy New Year, Matthew. Thank you for this beautifully written post. I love the concept of “remember backward and live forward” . Your writing portrays just how psychologically difficult this can be for us human beings, especially on anniversaries where we can so easily (and painfully) recall the circumstances of our lives gone by.
"Lately, I’ve found myself touching Dad a lot." It's a shame that it's only later in life that men become more comfortable showing physical affection. Lately I've been telling my close male friends that I love them and gave them hugs, and in an unexpected way it's like they relax as if they wanted to say it too but needed someone to say it first.
Glad you had a nice relaxing one. I did, too. Finally got around to reading some Muriel Spark...
The great shock of my Gen X life is that almost all men will take the chance to be affectionate when they are absolutely sure they will not be shamed for it. Past shames are long-lasting poison. But I think men can really be the cure for other men. I also think it took a long time for me and many men my age to figure that out. But being open and intimate with my guy friends has been psychological oxygen, for sure. Same with my dad here in Beaufort. And my brother too. Micah and I have weekly hour-long conversations that usually end with an I love you. That would have seemed impossible back in the 80s and 90s.
Thank you for sharing these brave, insightful thoughts on alcoholism and sobriety. You are a shining soul.
Thanks for being here with us, Liz. Really appreciate the kind words. Beautiful.
Hi Matthew! Your writing gave me several remembrances. The first is how my non-affectionate and cold mother softened in her latter days, even apologizing-- several weeks before her death--for some severe wrongs that occurred in my childhood. Secondly, thoughts of the Sankofa symbol (Ghana) came to me...turning back while looking forward--moving forward with love. You are doing that so beautifully.
Thanks, Dixie! So glad you had that important moment with your mother before she passed. Had to look up the Sankofa symbol. "Go back and get it." Turn back and eat the precious egg. Exactly. Thanks for sharing that. Powerful universal message.
Always a pleasant way to start my day. Thanks for these thoughts.
So glad you got something good from the words, Mark! Thanks for being here with us.
Thank you M and A. Spent the last two weeks ushering my son's dear friend into the nourishing rooms here in our town, and i'm happy to report he's got 14 days. Whatever his arc shall be, the love and care I've experienced sharing my own sobriety have filled me up over the holidays... I so appreciate the play-by-play of your piece here. Hilarious, tragic, deeply healing. And your Dad.
14 days is beautiful. Sharing our stories is the gift that helps both the giver and the receiver. Thanks for sharing yours with us, Elena. Sometimes when I get shy about sharing my alcohol stories, I think back on how secretly appreciative I was when anyone shared their story. Maybe a year before I got sober, my father sent me a newspaper piece written by a relatively unknown comedian who gave up alcohol for a year. The message was simply that his life had improved in so many ways, but he had lost a lot of his social life. And yet it had been worth it because he was feeling healthy for the first time in years. That hopeful seed grew inside of me and here we are. Glad to be here with you.
Such a gift from your Dad those many years ago. The shared stories are everything, I can feel our friend listening in the rooms and soaking in the parts he can recognize in himself. Thank you for your wonderful writing.
Much appreciated, Elena. May our dialogue continue!
I loved reading your New Years Eve spent w your mom and dad. I went to Colls HS and MYF w Mike. You inherited his gift of how to present something uncannily like no one else. Even if the topic was mundane there was always a different take on the topic by Mike Quick. He was cute, loved his dimpled smile. No I never dated your date, his intellect was above my brain grade. My dad passed from dementia at 91, and he wasn’t huggy/kissy either. He did appreciated my foot massages and told me the last time I saw him that he would miss me. Surprised I asked him why and he said well my feet love to be massaged. Keep up the touchy feely thing as even when he doesn’t remember your face, he will remember your touch. Ok one last thing. Ask him if he remembers the Lacy twins from high school. If it puts a smile on his face my comments are worth it. Hugs and may you keep on writing your thoughtful words. Karen Lacy Mascitelli
Go Panthers! I was Colls HS class of 1992. Thanks for the kind words here, Karen Lacy Mascitelli. I've learned that everyone has a different love language. So express love through words, some through gifts, some through touch, and some through other means. As a words person, it has sometimes been hard for me to see and accept and participate in other expressions of love. I'm working on that. Glad you got in those foot massages with your dad.
I get so excited when the email arrives that there is a new post. The recent posts about dementia connect even more as we are working through all of this with Amy's grandmother. I hope you find comfort in these intimate moments with your father. We have had many discussions over the years about our fathers. I admire your courage to share these stories with us. Give Alicia our best and thank you for the positive energy and love that you both continue to spread. Happy New Year!
So glad you are enjoying these, Mark. Great to have you with us. So sorry to hear about Amy's grandmother. My best to all of you. Father's are tricky keys, but what's on the other side of those doors is essential. Happy New Year to you and yours!
Thank you for your writing. We're ankle deep in the New Year, and your post is deeply appreciated. I'm grateful you stayed up to work on it. It really made my day, and already this year is looking brighter. Your words are staying with me, the way dust surrounds the way Charles Shultz drew Pigpen.
So glad you got something good from these words, duff. Love that the year is looking bright for you. I always liked Pigpen. Just looked this up: "Pigpen considers it a point of pride that he is cloaked in the ‘dust of countless ages.'" https://www.peanuts.com/about/pigpen
Fits with today's post for sure! Thanks!
This was a beautiful post, Matthew. Funny, I have seen that Janus logo come up hundreds of times while watching foreign films and never really thought too deeply about it. Thanks for making me stop and chew on this world a bit more than I would without these posts. And Happy New Year!
It's amazing how much knowledge is out there hidden in plain sight. Maybe we bring unconscious to consciousness only when we are ready for the insights. Happy New Year! And looking forward to many more discussions, Kent!
As always, I feel so touched by your words, Matthew.
I’ve been visiting my 99 year old father and his dying 95 year old wife. I’ve deeply resented this cruel woman for so many years, but as I kissed her good night I felt such love that I kissed her several times. Later, when my father uncharacteristically reached for my hand, I held his. Both events were utterly shocking, but enormous gifts.
Happy New Year to you and Alicia!
Your friend in Vancouver, Canada
Roxanne
Thanks, Roxanne, for your beautiful words here. My Jungian work teaches that whatever we consciously own has a hidden unconscious shadow somewhere within us. The shadow of resentment is love, of course. And the bigger the conscious resentment gets, the larger the shadow of unowned potential love becomes. Gold in the shadow. Scrooge on Christmas morning. What a relief! So glad you had that wonderful experience with your father and his wife. Sounds like it was deeply healing.
Once again, your words ring so true. My mother is in the hospital right now recovering from a second stroke in less than a year. More and more, in addition to her daughter, I've become her advocate, her caregiver and sometimes her voice. I try not to get overwhelmed with tomorrow's worries and focus on the day, and the gift of her presence, the ability to look her in the eyes and tell her I love her.
So sorry to hear about your mom, Heidi. The gift of presence can be overwhelmingly beautiful. Sounds like she's lucky to have you. Thanks for being with us here today!
Happy New Year, Matthew. Thank you for this beautifully written post. I love the concept of “remember backward and live forward” . Your writing portrays just how psychologically difficult this can be for us human beings, especially on anniversaries where we can so easily (and painfully) recall the circumstances of our lives gone by.
Thanks so much, Sharon. Hopefully 2024 will be the year of remembering backward and living forward for all of us. G.T.A.