Dear Matthew, you always write so beautifully and there’s always a message for other people who’ve had similar issues with their father. Thank you so much. I always get tears in my eyes when I read your work- love, naomi
Matthew, I enjoyed this piece and glad you had a nice Father’s Day with your dad. I’m grateful you had the opportunity to tell him that you were proud of him. I’m sure he’s proud of you too in his own unique way. My dad frequently told me he was proud of me when he was living, but now I’m wondering if I ever told him how proud I was of him. He served during Vietnam, overcame alcoholism, drove over 3 million miles safely in a trucking career, and always provided well for our family. He only had a G.E.D. but was one of the smartest men I knew. He knew the value of education since he didn’t have the opportunity to go to college, and he sent both my brother and I to universities for our degrees. I’m thankful for him. I hope he knew it. I hope I told him I was proud of him but don’t know if I did. Anyway, your story brought sweet tears and remembrances of my dad. Thanks for sharing.
My Jungian analyst often talks about the inner figures, meaning the different people who are alive in our psyches. Early on, he had me talk a lot to my inner Pop Pop and inner Uncle Pete. I thought it was weird at first, but came to realize that we continue to have vibrant relationships with people even after they die. I think today you are telling your inner father that you appreciate him. And that matters. Being in right relationship with the archetype of the father is important for psychological health, or at least that is what I am finding these days. Beautiful, your father letting you know how proud he was of you. What a gift! And his life-affirming battle with himself too. Thanks for sharing this today, Kristy. Thanks for being here with us.
This one hit hard. I'm still working on my father issues, but i feel I understand that life is hard and not all his decisions were specifically designed to ruin my life. Some of them, like divorce, may have even been for the best. It's hard not to just play the victim and, instead, actually stop and chew on these things. I'm trying. Give your dad a hug for me.
Hey Matt- I have recently begun a self journey of my own. Addressing the present has caused me to look at the past. This has brought about a lot of thoughts and questions about my dad, as well. Both of our dads had the mentality to support their families (physically and financially). That was their goal. Prepare their kids so they can be successful, fledge the nest and soar. I have always been so thankful for that but often times felt empty without the emotional support. I really appreciate what you said about how that WAS how your dad showed his love and he was doing the best he could with what he was given as a kid. If I can see what my dad did for me through that lens it doesn't leave be feeling empty or "victimized" yet, really truly loved. :) Thanks again for sharing such heart felt thoughts.
Thanks for these good words here, Rachael. So glad this put a helpful spin on things for you. My analyst is always challenging my views and attitudes that don't serve me. He often says he's not asking me to change for the benefit of other people, but because it will liberate ME. I think we cling to our old beliefs because we think those protect us. In my case, those old limiting beliefs were protecting me from having to do all the hard work I'm doing in analysis. But they were also protecting me from love, blocking off all possibility. I'm wishing you beautiful discoveries on your own self journey. Also, I've been in touch with your dad recently. He lights up whenever he talks about you and your sisters. It's so beautiful to see. He loves you all very much. No mistaking that. It's really quite remarkable. And it moves me greatly.
As always, I appreciate the true contribution and connection you bring to my life through your writing, Matthew. And I’m so touched by everyone’s responses. This clearly hit a nerve for us all. I’m struck how we’re all the walking wounded. I need to remind myself of this, instead of presuming each person I come across is OK.
Yes, the walking wounded! All of us hiding our wounds in different ways. But every wounded person has the potential to be a healer. You have to hurt to truly learn what medicine is required. I've been thinking a lot lately about giving others what I most need. I practice this with my dad. I always wished he'd hug me, so I started hugging him. I always wished he's say I love you, so I started saying it to him. And now he does those things too. I've been thinking long and hard about that. Would have never believed it could happen. But it did.
Or maybe one that says I will handle YOU with care. Whenever we can manage it. I know I have my limitations. Always working on those. Thanks for being here with us today, Roxanne!
Matthew — This time I will not even wait to read to the end of the essay before I write a comment. Not to sound impossibly deep… you are not “childless”. Your Dad is now your child in many ways. There is a cosmic circle nearly closing. The conversations you two are having these days are Perfect.
I had to teach my mother how to say I love you. It was awkward at first; we didn’t verbal intimacy in our family. Over time my mother seemed to be soothed, rather than wary of my love declarations and eventually got there before she died. We became good friends
Glad you had that soothing experience with your mother. Easing the pain of others has a way of easing our own, or at least that's what I am finding here in midlife. Thanks for being here with us this week, Lucinda!
Thanks for your message. I think a lot of us needed to hear what you have learned. We're not perfect people, and we do the best we can. We all have resentments, and it is often very hard to get past those - at least it is for me. You have made me realize that I need to look at the good in my parents and not just focus on the negative. I hope one day my daughter will do the same for me.
Thanks, Karen in South Carolina! It's been hard for me to get past resentments too. But I am learning that my resentments hurt me most of all. And the less resentments I have, the easier it is for others to find me. Wishing you all the best with your daughter.
Thanks for sharing your changing thoughts about your father through your journey. It provided me with helpful insights as I navigate my complicated relationship with my own parents. I also hope for the same sense of grace you have arrived at as my children navigate their complicated relationship with their flawed mother. As you say, There Will Be Mistakes. This is true for parenting as well, even if we have the strong desire to be the perfect parent for our children. What a gift you have given your father (and yourself) to realize this and acknowledge all the ways he expressed his love, despite his mistakes and limitations.
Thanks so much, Belinda. I think sometimes we hold people to the standard of perfect because we need to believe that we are or could be perfect. And as we let go of perfection for ourselves, we can accept the imperfections of others. As I loosen the knots of resentment within me, it's been curious to see who has taken steps toward me. Not always who I expected. But I'm working on doing my best with whoever arrives. It's all practice, I'm beginning to understand.
Dear Matthew, you always write so beautifully and there’s always a message for other people who’ve had similar issues with their father. Thank you so much. I always get tears in my eyes when I read your work- love, naomi
Thanks for sharing these kind words, Naomi. I really appreciate it. Thanks also for being here with us. Good things ahead.
Matthew, I enjoyed this piece and glad you had a nice Father’s Day with your dad. I’m grateful you had the opportunity to tell him that you were proud of him. I’m sure he’s proud of you too in his own unique way. My dad frequently told me he was proud of me when he was living, but now I’m wondering if I ever told him how proud I was of him. He served during Vietnam, overcame alcoholism, drove over 3 million miles safely in a trucking career, and always provided well for our family. He only had a G.E.D. but was one of the smartest men I knew. He knew the value of education since he didn’t have the opportunity to go to college, and he sent both my brother and I to universities for our degrees. I’m thankful for him. I hope he knew it. I hope I told him I was proud of him but don’t know if I did. Anyway, your story brought sweet tears and remembrances of my dad. Thanks for sharing.
My Jungian analyst often talks about the inner figures, meaning the different people who are alive in our psyches. Early on, he had me talk a lot to my inner Pop Pop and inner Uncle Pete. I thought it was weird at first, but came to realize that we continue to have vibrant relationships with people even after they die. I think today you are telling your inner father that you appreciate him. And that matters. Being in right relationship with the archetype of the father is important for psychological health, or at least that is what I am finding these days. Beautiful, your father letting you know how proud he was of you. What a gift! And his life-affirming battle with himself too. Thanks for sharing this today, Kristy. Thanks for being here with us.
Oh that’s good advice. Thanks for your response.
This one hit hard. I'm still working on my father issues, but i feel I understand that life is hard and not all his decisions were specifically designed to ruin my life. Some of them, like divorce, may have even been for the best. It's hard not to just play the victim and, instead, actually stop and chew on these things. I'm trying. Give your dad a hug for me.
I'm still working on it too, Kent. Every. Single. Day. So glad this one hit you the right way. Thanks for being here with us!
t e a r s what a tribute to evolution, Matthew... whoa. thank you.
Thanks for the support, Elena! I really appreciate it! I'm still evolving. Still in the struggle. And it's beautiful to have you here with us.
Sounds like it was also the best Father’s Day your dad ever had.💙
I sure hope so! Thanks, SB, for being here with us today!
Hey Matt- I have recently begun a self journey of my own. Addressing the present has caused me to look at the past. This has brought about a lot of thoughts and questions about my dad, as well. Both of our dads had the mentality to support their families (physically and financially). That was their goal. Prepare their kids so they can be successful, fledge the nest and soar. I have always been so thankful for that but often times felt empty without the emotional support. I really appreciate what you said about how that WAS how your dad showed his love and he was doing the best he could with what he was given as a kid. If I can see what my dad did for me through that lens it doesn't leave be feeling empty or "victimized" yet, really truly loved. :) Thanks again for sharing such heart felt thoughts.
Thanks for these good words here, Rachael. So glad this put a helpful spin on things for you. My analyst is always challenging my views and attitudes that don't serve me. He often says he's not asking me to change for the benefit of other people, but because it will liberate ME. I think we cling to our old beliefs because we think those protect us. In my case, those old limiting beliefs were protecting me from having to do all the hard work I'm doing in analysis. But they were also protecting me from love, blocking off all possibility. I'm wishing you beautiful discoveries on your own self journey. Also, I've been in touch with your dad recently. He lights up whenever he talks about you and your sisters. It's so beautiful to see. He loves you all very much. No mistaking that. It's really quite remarkable. And it moves me greatly.
As always, I appreciate the true contribution and connection you bring to my life through your writing, Matthew. And I’m so touched by everyone’s responses. This clearly hit a nerve for us all. I’m struck how we’re all the walking wounded. I need to remind myself of this, instead of presuming each person I come across is OK.
Yes, the walking wounded! All of us hiding our wounds in different ways. But every wounded person has the potential to be a healer. You have to hurt to truly learn what medicine is required. I've been thinking a lot lately about giving others what I most need. I practice this with my dad. I always wished he'd hug me, so I started hugging him. I always wished he's say I love you, so I started saying it to him. And now he does those things too. I've been thinking long and hard about that. Would have never believed it could happen. But it did.
….i guess we should all wear a sign around our necks reading ‘Handle With Care’.
Or maybe one that says I will handle YOU with care. Whenever we can manage it. I know I have my limitations. Always working on those. Thanks for being here with us today, Roxanne!
Absolutely beautiful, Matthew!
Thanks, Cindy!
Good, really good. I like the community you are building here.
Thanks! Me too! Thanks for being with us, cmorr!
Matthew — This time I will not even wait to read to the end of the essay before I write a comment. Not to sound impossibly deep… you are not “childless”. Your Dad is now your child in many ways. There is a cosmic circle nearly closing. The conversations you two are having these days are Perfect.
Thanks, and best wishes to you and yours.
Thanks for the kind words, Linda!
I had to teach my mother how to say I love you. It was awkward at first; we didn’t verbal intimacy in our family. Over time my mother seemed to be soothed, rather than wary of my love declarations and eventually got there before she died. We became good friends
Glad you had that soothing experience with your mother. Easing the pain of others has a way of easing our own, or at least that's what I am finding here in midlife. Thanks for being here with us this week, Lucinda!
Thanks for your message. I think a lot of us needed to hear what you have learned. We're not perfect people, and we do the best we can. We all have resentments, and it is often very hard to get past those - at least it is for me. You have made me realize that I need to look at the good in my parents and not just focus on the negative. I hope one day my daughter will do the same for me.
Thanks, Karen in South Carolina! It's been hard for me to get past resentments too. But I am learning that my resentments hurt me most of all. And the less resentments I have, the easier it is for others to find me. Wishing you all the best with your daughter.
Thanks for sharing your changing thoughts about your father through your journey. It provided me with helpful insights as I navigate my complicated relationship with my own parents. I also hope for the same sense of grace you have arrived at as my children navigate their complicated relationship with their flawed mother. As you say, There Will Be Mistakes. This is true for parenting as well, even if we have the strong desire to be the perfect parent for our children. What a gift you have given your father (and yourself) to realize this and acknowledge all the ways he expressed his love, despite his mistakes and limitations.
Thanks so much, Belinda. I think sometimes we hold people to the standard of perfect because we need to believe that we are or could be perfect. And as we let go of perfection for ourselves, we can accept the imperfections of others. As I loosen the knots of resentment within me, it's been curious to see who has taken steps toward me. Not always who I expected. But I'm working on doing my best with whoever arrives. It's all practice, I'm beginning to understand.
Oh, Matthew. These beautiful essays featuring your Dad always make me cry. You've done it again. Wish I could hug each of you.
Thanks so much, Aunt Carlotta. So glad you are getting something good from these. Much love.